


I Don’t Want To Be 💔

by angrybirdcr



Category: Knives Out (2019), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Adult Content, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Cheating, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Heavy Angst, Language, Lovers To Enemies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybirdcr/pseuds/angrybirdcr
Summary: Jaylynn thought that she had the perfect life, until one day it all comes crashing down as her fiancée, Ransom Drysdale, breaks her heart in the least expected way leaving her broken and submerged in a pool of self-doubt and insecurities. // Bucky Barnes is an ex-DELTA FORCE Lieutenant who almost died during an operation that cost the life of his friends. One that not only left him with physical sequels for life but that also broke his relationship with his girlfriend, leaving him lost and in search of direction. // When their paths cross, will they be able to connect and help each other heal from their pasts? Or Will the past come back to hunt them down?
Relationships: Bucky Barnes x Dottie, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), Ransom Drysdale/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> //You can also find me on TUMBLR // Wattpad
> 
> A/N: This fic it’s loosely based on a personal experience of mine, including some harsh dialogue that could feel triggering for some people (Although, this is NOT immediately revealed). So, beware of that,. And no, it wasn’t a boyfriend of mine, let’s just leave it at “someone that used to know”. This is merely an outlet to let out my frustration and heavy emotions about said events. Psychology says it’s supposed to help somehow?? I don’t know about personal healing on my end, but at least my character will be able to do so through Bucksie’s love.
> 
> **DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places and events are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner // I ONLY own the rights over my own original characters // Pics are taken from the internet for reference only and they’re not meant to be a literal interpretation of the details hereby described (included but not limited to, to reader’s appearance) // Dividers by @whimsicalrogers
> 
> **Please DO NOT post any of my works on any other platform or site. Thank You!**  
> *******************  
> Chapter Summary: Jaylynn’s world comes crashing down on her, as she cannot process the betrayal and the weight of Ransom’s words. In another town, Bucky Barnes is left with a broken heart and the keys of the now empty place that he had once called home. Two Broken Souls, will their paths cross??
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS: ANGST. Heartbreak, mentions of cheating, betrayal, PTSD, Physical therapy and personal insecurities. Ransom being a jerk. YOUR MEDIA CONSUMPTION IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY

##  ****MODERN AU****

##  **An Ex-Military! Bucky Barnes x OFC Jaylynn Bell x Ransom Drysdale** _ **( not the two at the same time!) Mini Series**_

##  **Theme Song:**[ **I Don’t Want To Be**](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D8gFCW3PHBws&t=OTU1YTZkYjZmNGZiNjA5ZDJiOTMxMTk5YTY2NzI5ZTM5YjYwZmRhYSxhODIxNDgxODVhYjE4M2NlODY3YTQwZTM0YTBjZDJlZDljMGFmYzI5&ts=1607885992) **by Gavin McGraw**

[ ](https://ibb.co/MsW8F0L)

> _ **SERIES WARNINGS: +18. Adult themes** _ _.  _ **_ Language _ ** _! Includes dialogue charged with heavy emotions that could be triggering for some people, including but not limited to, brief mentions of offensive references made by a jerk about a woman’s weight and skin color. Mentions of cheating and emotional abuse.  _ **_ ANGST! Friends To Lovers, somewhat cliché. YOUR MEDIA CONSUMPTION IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY _ **

> _ **Note** _ _ : OFC fic written in second person (YOU) _

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

##  **_BOSTON_ **

_Frozen_

_Speechless_

_Broken_

You heard your heart breaking in a thousand pieces as the air was knocked out of your lungs and your knees wobbled beneath you

_‘He didn’t say that’_

_‘He couldn’t have’_

Useless thoughts that you wished were true so that at least a logical explanation would be provided for this excruciating torture. You felt all blood circulation stop and run cold as the words slowly sank into your brain and you processed the meaning of this.

_He offended you_

_He humiliated you_

_He broke you_

A single tear charged with the depth of the utmost betrayal rolled down your cheek. This was how low he had always thought about you, _had you been so blind as not to see this before? Had you been so naive as to let your love for him stain your better judgement like this?_ No logical thoughts were processed, but the utter reality hitting you like a thousand bricks destroying the most fragile glass

_Pin drop silence filled with despair_

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

##  **** *** _ **A FEW HOURS AGO***_ ******

It was an eerily calmed day, there was an unexplainable chill of the wrong kind that traveled up and down your body, you knew this to be the clear sign of something to come, _you just didn’t know what exactly yet_. The falling snow in the window marked the beginning of winter, a time that perfectly matched the coldness engulfing your heart, you can’t even explain the moment when it turned out this way.

At first everything was as expected, you had been after all Mr. Harlan’s assistant when you met his grandson Ransom, during one of his books’ events. 

_Something clicked in with him_

He managed to woo you with his charming smile and sweet words, and oddly enough, he had respected your boundaries despite his fame as a womanizer rich boy. You saw past that, you were able to see the delicate layers hidden beneath his harsh appearance and cold interactions with others and he seemingly felt you. He told you so, _he showed you so,_ but somewhere along the lines something changed

_His previous warm smile turned an icy glare_

_His loving caresses became forced by habit_

_His passionate kisses now tasted bitter_

_His sweet praises now only memoirs from the past_

_He was gone_

The man that you had fallen in love with _was gone._ He was physically there, but _his heart was not. How does one go past the stage of living together and giving its all to one another yet changing the diamond into a golden band in your finger becomes only a distant dream?_ You wished to have the answers but at the same time there was a fear that roamed inside your soul that made you cringe into a corner because if it was true then it would destroy you and you didn’t know if you would be able to survive it.

To the world you were still known as Mr. Harlan’s assistant, even though in private, within his intimate circle of family, you were Ransom Drysdale’s fiancée. _Why did he keep you behind the scenes instead of proudly showing you to the entire world despite constantly telling you of how happy he was to have you?_ You had an idea, one that you did not want to entertain as you did not want to break your own heart. 

Many thought that his fame preceded him and that you were miserable with him, the truth was that you never suffered at his hands like they believed you to be. But that didn’t mean that you had it easy. You were part of the Drysdale/Thrombey clan. Nothing ever came easy with them, you didn’t realize it back then but maybe there was where the root of the problem laid. 

_‘His circle’_

_You did not belong there_

You never fit amongst their high society, their fancy parties and their expensive gowns, the mindless talks and nonsensical gossiping among the ladies or the shameless flirting of the men. _Abuse not always come in the form of a fist_ , there are hits that hurt more than a broken bone and that leave scars so deep that you never fully heal from them. You had unknowingly let them plunge the knives deeper into you each time

_‘She is not pretty enough’_

_‘She doesn’t have what it takes’_

_‘She can’t carry the family name’_

_‘She’s not skinny enough!’_

Their words still rang in your mind like poisoned daggers, even when you tried your hardest not to pay any attention to them. _How could you not?_ Your knight in shining armor never showed up to take down the bad guys, he simply watched from behind as your soul withered in front of his eyes. 

_You should have run_

_But you didn’t_

As those words echoed in your mind you were about to get in the living when something you heard made you stop dead in your tracks

“So, are you gonna tell her or what? We can’t wait forever, Rans!” The fake bittersweet voice said

“I’ll do it when I want too, not when you order me to...” He said with gritted teeth

“Are you serious right now?” She huffed “How can you say that? You know that if you don’t break it nicely with her then she’s gonna be in it for the shock of her life given how she’s at our engagement party!” Your blood ran cold at that, did she really just say _engagement_? **_THEIR_** engagement?

“Are you fuckin me right now, Bella? After you’ve been fucking with me for months, now you’re suddenly worried about my girlfriend? Where was that fake concern when you were writhing beneath me and moaning my name?”

_Your world stopped_

_He cheated on you_

_He was getting married with someone else_

All strength left your body as the glass slipped from your hands. It collided on the floor with a deafening sound, as the shards flew around and its contents stained the carpet beneath, an action that warned them of your presence and you met two pairs of shocked eyes.

“ _Jay_.. Is not...” Ransom stuttered, unable to form a believable excuse for his massive screw up, watching your pain filled eyes

“ _No_!” You warned him, your finger threatening him with a firm single motion as you took two steps back, your eyes going from him to the familiar face “ _How could you Isabella? I thought that you were my friend!?_ ” You shouted at her with a glare

“I **_WAS_**! I _am_...” She sighed as you snorted a sarcastic laugh “You wouldn’t understand...” She had the audacity to say

_“_ ** _I--I WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND?_** Which part exactly is that? The one where I believed you to be my best friend? **OR** the one where **_YOU_** fucked **_MY_** boyfriend?” You saw her face contort into a mocking laugh

“ _C’mmon_ Jay! You didn’t really think that **_YOU_** would be the one to become Mrs. Ransom Drysdale, _did you_?” You didn’t know if to cry out from sheer frustration and the blazing betrayal or if to grab her by the hair and to throw her down, but you chose to follow your better judgement

“I was the one with the ring, _wasn’t I?_ ” You spat back, relishing in the hurt and anger that flashed through her eyes

_“Not for much...”_ Ransom said, locking his steely glance with your eyes wide as saucers, you felt like breaking all over again, not just over what he said, but the fact that he said so in front of her, _because of her_

_He stood by_ **_HER_ **

“M’sorry, _what_??” You asked, completely baffled at his words

“Look, _it’s true._ I might be a jerk but I won’t keep up this charade any longer. I fucked this shit up and I was screwing her behind your back” He coldly said without even breaking a sweat

“And you have the nerve of saying it like that?” You let out a pained exhale

“You knew me as no saint Jaylynn, so don’t come crying now that you saw my dark side”

_“You’re a bastard!!”_ The loud sound of your slap against his cheek reverberated in the space, an unflinching Ransom nonchalantly rubbed his jaw soothing the throbbing sting of your hand imprint.

“I don’t have time for this right now” He said offhandedly grabbing your arm in a strong grip and pushing you aside in the empty hall.

_“Let me go!!”_ You whined, as he released your arm

“My family is here, important people are here.. So, you are _NOT_ going to make a scandal that is going to affect me and my family’s name. You’re gonna suck it up and we’ll deal with this when we get home. _Is that clear?_!” He said, his eyes filled with an emotion that you did not recognize

_“Are fucking nuts??_ How can you even have the audacity to ask such a thing? I’m going home , and I’m doing so **_NOW_** ” You said through gritted teeth, trying to keep the tears at bay, refusing to let him see how much he had hurt you

“ _Oh no,_ you’re not. You’re gonna stay here and we’re leaving when I say so, not a minute before that, _not a second later…_ This is all **_YOUR_** fault...If only you would have listened to granps when he warned you about me, then you wouldn’t have become entangled with me…” 

“How can you bring him into this?” You whisper-yelled, not wanting to call the attention of others

“Because you and Marta are the only ones to be on his good graces while he enjoys to shun us all” He angrily said “And I remember _clearly_ telling you that I didn’t want you to come with me. If you would have listened to me back then, you would have avoided this distasteful situation.”

“Because you didn’t want me to find out your dirty little secret?” 

“ _No_ , because I didn’t want you to see this...” You frowned not understanding what he was saying “I was going to tell you everything later not like this but you, _**YOU**_ _, you,_ had to jump in and ruin everything--” He paused, tensed knitted brows and tight jaw “ _Just_...” He closed his eyes for an instant, hands set in his hips as he took a sharp breath “For once, _listen to me Jay_. Go upstairs and wait for me there or stay here and witness it all, _I don’t care,_ but you’re not leaving without me” He said, as you saw what you thought to be a hint of guilt flashing in his eyes

He turned to go back to the living, to look for her you assumed. Silent tears full of sorrow and bitterness freely streamed down your face, _what didn’t he want you to see? Should you stay here at all?_ But you lost track of time how long you stood there, as a piece of unused furniture sitting on a corner that nobody ever saw. Until loud cheering was heard, bringing you out of your daze. You rushedly wiped off the tears and slowly walked to the side of the room, only to watch you heart further breaking down

_Ransom was kissing her_

_A big diamond ring in her hand_

_‘Congratulations Bella & Ransom!!’_

They chanted as you watched them lost into their passionate embrace, his wide grin in full display as her eyes shone with smugness. As your heart bled, you stood unmovable with your head held high as you swallowed the unshed tears to give room to a fiery scorn and a tight line in your lips. The man that you loved with all your heart, _kissing another woman_ , one that used to be a friend to you. Your stoic exterior was nothing compared to the inner battle of pain and sheer heartbrokenness.

He broke off the hug to look you dead in the eyes, an unreadable expression, _Was it regret? Was it guilt? Was it aloofness?_ It didn’t matter, at the end it screamed _‘I don’t give a fuck about you’_ and you got the message across loud and clear. Causing a ruckus wouldn’t change a thing, if anything it would only validate their point that you lacked the self-control to carry yourself amongst them, and you were not about to give them that satisfaction. As fuzzy with hurt that you were, the last bits of logic within you stopped you from making a fool out of yourself. 

_‘Who would care about the assistant’s outburst anyway?’_

You swallowed the forming lump in your throat and walked away with what was left of your dignity. You had nowhere to go, **_HE_** was supposed to be your family _not hers_ , overnight he had turned your entire world upside down. You walked upstairs to his old room and let yourself slide to the floor as all strength abandoned you. Your hand covered your mouth to muffle the sobs that racked your body, finally letting the tension of the events crash on you.

You heard the party buzz going on downstairs, you could not believe that this was happening. Your eyes took in the place, _it was the same room where you had spent endless nights tangled in his arms, the bed where he had made sweet love to you and where he had also fucked your brains out, the corner where he had promised the world to you and now the one that witness your heart break._

All notion of time flew out the window, it wasn’t until you heard your name being called that you looked up to meet an unaffected Ransom calling your name

“Are you done with your pity party?” He said, twisting the knife in your heart. You slowly stood up in wobbly legs

“Are you done with your soap opera scene of the day? Cause let me tell you, I’m quite surprised by your acting skills!!” The acrimonious tone in your voice shocked even yourself, yet you did not show it. “How did you manage to fake with me for so long?” You knew that your next words would sting but you didn’t care “Was she the one that you saw when you looked me in the eyes? Was she the one that you imagined when you had sex with me? _**TELL ME!”**_ You shouted without a single care in the world

“What? **_NO_**! Don’t be stupid! I’m not that heartless...” He said, a hand in his waist and the other pointed at you in an accusing way

“Aren’t you? Then **_WHO_** cheated on his girlfriend all this time? **_WHO_** lied to her making her believe that he would make her his wife when all this time that title would go to another?” You saw him gulp and a glint of satisfaction coursed through you “Are you even going to try to apologize for being such a jerk?” You asked, hoping that he at least had a speech prepared to justify the unjustifiable

“If you’re expecting me to get down on my knees to beg for your forgiveness, then you’re losing your time because that is not going to happen.”

“ _Of course not!”_ You barked

“Look, as fucking messed up things are, you need to know that I did not plan on it to happen this way. At some point, _I did love you_ ” He softly said

“ ** _LOVE_**? For God’s sake! Ransom, you don’t know the definition of what love is even someone showed it to you in a dictionary!!” You yelled at him, all the pent up anger, finally being unleashed “You **_NEVER_** loved me, you **_USED_** me!!” You cried, feeling the realization of your own words dawn in you

“ _No_ , I didn’t use you.. _I really cared about you._..” Slight guilt shone in his eyes, but as fast as it came it went as he walked closer to you “But you can’t really tell me that you really believed the wedding ring would lay in your finger at the end...” He sarcastically said with a mocking smile on, _was he really this way all this time? Where did the one you love go to?_

“Wh--what are you saying? RANSOM! **_YOU_** gave **_ME_** an engagement ring, _**YOU**_ told **_ME_** that you wanted to make **_ME_** your wife, not the other way around… You never gave me any reasons to believe that I was being foolishly played!!” You saw the wheels turn inside his head, his jaw tightly clenched and a deep frown etched on his face

_He snickered_

A loud, _almost sinister_ , mocking snicker from his lips echoed through each corner of the room. There was something about it though, that even when you could feel the deep darkness with the only intent to hurt you, it came across as if he was trying too hard to disconnect himself from the situation, but right now you were not giving him the benefit of the doubt, _you were not falling for it, you had to choose yourself above him._

“Are you seriously so naive? Did you think that the Drysdale family name would ever be passed on to someone like you?” He said, his hand motioning your body up and down with a displeased look, one that made your heart sink

_“Someone like me?”_ Blood rushed to your ears evoking a loud thrumming in “What do you mean by that?!” You asked, fists clenched and heart wildly hammering in anticipation

_You weren’t ready for it_

_His next words mercilessly slashed your soul_

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

##  _**NEW YORK** _

He stood immobile watching as she loaded her last suitcase in her car, the backseat already filled with the boxes carrying their memories. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, she didn’t want this either but her love just wasn’t strong enough to fight off his demons, she did not have it in her soul to mend the broken pieces of his battered heart.

She placed in his hands the set of keys of the place they had share so many dreams and hopes together, but also where he exposed to her his inner struggles that kept on dragging him into the dark, an abyss so deep that she was afraid of taking his hand and to fall down with him, her light just wasn’t bright enough to lit the way 

“Please, _Dottie_...Don’t do this” Bucky pleaded with her, as he watched the woman that he had once thought would be the one that he would spend the rest of his life with stomp over the shattered pieces of his heart 

“What would change if I stayed, _James_?” He sighed as no words passed his lips “ _Exactly_ … _See_ , let’s say that I move back inside. _Would you stop losing your mind every time the kitchen timer goes off or an ambulance passes by the street??_ ” She said with glossy eyes _“Would you stop overreacting every time that a person tries to approach you? Would you stop waking up in the middle of the night to--”_ She paused, tears now falling “--to,, with your hands around my neck?” Her voice cracked and filled with pain “Would _MY_ James be back?” She cried

He felt his chest constrict in affliction at the pain that he had caused her, he understood the position that he had forced her to, he couldn’t blame her but a part of him still wished that she wouldn’t have given up so easily, that she would have fought for them.

_But it was too late now_

_He hugged her_

His strong arms circled her smaller frame, he tightly held her against his chest as she wetted his shirt, _not that he mind_ , one of his hands rubbed comforting patterns in her back as the other offered soothing caresses in her hair and sweet nothings in her ears. They lost track of time as they relished their last moments together until her uneven breaths regulated and her sobs turned into sniffles.

The time when the broken dreams turned into shrapnels shredding down the insides of an already torn soul, the spot of divergence between your tangled pasts and the new roads ahead. 

**_“I’ll love you forever, Dot”_** He heartbrokenly said, feeling her slowly fade away as she untangled from his embrace, taking with her a piece of him

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

##  _**BOSTON** _

This was a nightmare that you weren’t waking up from, the perfect life you had once thought that you had with him were now shards of glass in the ground; your charming prince had become your executioner and the _Krugger_ in your Street, unsparingly slashing away your heart and soul... But revealing himself as the villain of the story was not enough for him

_He kept on slandering your name_

_Right then, you lost it._

Right then, he was hit with all the power that you had within you, your fist collided against his perfect nose, blood dripping from it, as he grunted in pain trying to soothe the ache left behind

“ _ **FUCK YOU**_!” You cried “ _Fuck you and your racist social climbing family_ ” You yelled at him, as you clenched and unclenched your fist to resume the blood flood there “You think that you’re all so perfect but you’re just a bunch of fake, greedy assholes”

“ ** _ARE YOU FUCKIN INSANE!! YOU BROKE MY NOSE!!_** ” He screeched, throwing his head back attempting to stop the bleeding

**_“I WISH I COULD DO MORE!!_** You think that I need you but you’re wrong!! I **_DON’T NEED YOU RANSOM!!_** _ **YOU**_ need _**ME**_ , that’s a _**HUGE**_ abysmal difference right there”

“ ** _ME_** need **YOU**? _Who do you think you are Jaylynn??_ ” He angrily said, the temperature in the room rose dangerously high

“Me? _I’m the only woman that really loved you by who you are…_ correction, who I thought you were-- Mark my words ‘ _Hugh_ ’, one day you **_WILL_** regret having said this to me, you **_WILL_** eat your words and wish that you never did this to me. **_YOU_** not **_ME_** ” Hot tears freely flowed with each of you anguish-filled words, as you turned your back to him without sparing him a second glance.

As you slammed the door close, you watched Isabella walk up the stairs, a concerned look on at hearing Ransom’s string of lively curses. You pushed her out of your way without granting her the pleasure of enjoying your misery.

_Why had life thrown this punch to your guts?_

_Where did you fail?_

_Had you been so blind before?_

_No, you refused to believe that you had been so oblivious_

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

Despite the betrayal and the pain, as you drove back to his apartment to gather your things, something told you that you hadn’t been that naive, at some point of your relationship, _you had really seen the good part of him_ , he had let his guard down with you and allowed you in but the weight of the crown of the Thrombey and Drysdale name was too heavy for him and he succumbed to it. You would never approve no condone his jerk ways to cut his ties with you, much less to forgive the words he said, but you definitely knew and understood that _on his world there was never room for you,_ you would have never be happy as long as he chose his family over himself and his own happiness.

As you placed the last of your belongings inside your suitcase, you gave one last glance at the place where you had shared so many memories with him. You **_HAD_** loved him, _with every fiber in your bein_ g, you were honest at every step of the way, but today _he had killed it all_. He murdered your love for him, he destroyed your respect for him but he had also taken a part of you with him.

_You left him behind_

_You abandoned your memories with him_

_You erased your love for him_

_You drove away from it all_

Maybe there was one place where you could start anew. The one that you had declined to even bat an eye to a few months ago in place of Ransom’s false promises, the one that offered the dream of a brighter future. _Where did you go from there? Will you ever be able to heal and mend your broken heart?_

As the thoughts invaded your mind, you heard your flight being called

_‘New York’_

_‘The city of lights’_

_Maybe, just maybe, it held the answers to your dilemma_

**A/N: Okay** , there we go the first part! What do you think Ransom told her for her to punch him that way? I mean, he deserved it either way but... I guess that you’ll find out soon. What do you think so far? There’s a lot more to come, emotionally packed so be ready.

> _**Note: About Dottie leaving Bucky,** _ _it’s implied by her words that he’s dealing with PTSD and never meant to hurt her, he’s not an abuser! Which will be dealt with later on in the series. It’s important to clarify that everyone reacts differently when put in a situation like that and not everyone stays until the end. A really good movie that deals with this particular topic is_ **_THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE._ ** _The film is about posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depicting U.S. soldiers who try to adjust to civilian life and weighs in the significance of counting with the support of their families._

##  **Thank you for your support!!💖💖💖**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ransom weights in the consequences of his actions through one very heated discussion. At the same time Jaylynn meets a kind stranger with some wise words up in the air and one very afflicted Bucky reflects on his life with Dottie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Language! A lot of cursing happens here.ANGST! Mentions of emotional abuse, depression, heartbreak, PTSD, Physical therapy and Ransom being an utter jerk. YOUR MEDIA CONSUMPTION IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY

‘ _ **Fuck**_ ’

The moment the first words left his lips he knew that hell fire had been unjustly unleashed against you. But his ego was bigger than his heart. The cost of his pride was your dignity and he had no qualms about collecting the bill. The heated argument soon became a battlefield of double edged swords looking to inflict the most damage possible into the other. And based on the amount of blood currently flowing from him, it’d be fair to say you won.

But if forcing you out was what was needed to keep the Drysdale privileges in, if watching your heart break was an unavoidable consequence, then so be it. But-- if this was right, then _why did watching you leave him stung so bad_? _Why did his chest feel like it was burning from the inside out_? Your words echoed in his mind like a ruthless drill

> _**‘I’m the only woman that really loved you by who you are’** _

_He didn’t know how true those words would prove to be in the nearby future._

But even in the absence of clairvoyance, it didn’t take a genius to know that he had royally screwed up but _having the courage to punch him like this_? He never imagined that you would have such courage. He threw his head back feeling the blood gushing from within but it didn’t seem to help at all, he mentally cursed at the possibility of having to visit the ER at this time of night.

The doors opened again, and for a second his cold heart jumped with a hint of hope, expecting it to be _you_ coming back again, _except_ that you weren’t. As if summoning a demon in the middle of the night, _Isabella_ appeared out of nowhere slightly rubbing her arm for what he could only assume to be an unpleasant encounter with you on your way out.

“ _Oh_ , _my god_! Baby, what happened?” She said in a screeching voice that made him cringe as she was the last person that he wanted to see at that moment

“What do you think this is? Halloween cosplay?!” He barked at her

“ _Hey_! No need to be an asshole, I’m just trying to help you here given the fact that you’re looking like shit!” She shouted at him, extending him a handkerchief as he pressed it to his nose in a failed attempt to control the bleeding

“This is all _**your**_ fuckin fault!!” He knitted his brows in disgust, he hated himself for this, for what he had done to you and even more that he did it all for his family.

“ _Excuse me_??” She arched her brows “How’s _**YOU**_ having a broken nose **_MY_** fault?” She didn’t know what had transfixed in the room just a mere moment ago but having watched your retreating form leaving in a rush with a murdering look on clearly had something, if not everything, to do with this

“I did _**ALL**_ of this for _**YOU**_!” He yelled at her, a heated dark look that made her tremble “From telling her that she was not good enough to forcing her to leave me, all of it just to please you and our fucking families that pathetically think that we are perfect for each other!”

“ _Oh_! So, _**SHE**_ did this to _**you**_ and _now **I am**_ the villain?! Why did you fuck me then? Or did I place a gun in your head?” She angrily said, her arms crossed and her head slightly tilted to the side with a clenched jaw

_He snorted_

_A dark heavy emotion expelled in the sound_

“If poisoning my entire family into disliking _her_ and pushing my mother to coerce me into agreeing to this isn’t extortion, then i don’t know what that is… You are so fuckin delusional if you think that we’re going to have a happy marriage” He said, voice firm and laced with hatred

“M’sorry, what did you just say?” She asked, taken aback by his words

“ _What_?! You heard me just fine _Isabella Huntington_ … This was always a marriage of convenience right from the start. The fucking in between? That was an added bonus, one that _**YOU**_ freely offered and gave _**ME**_ , _not_ something that **_I_** asked for...” He sliced her pride and heart with each statement

All this time she had believed that what they had was somewhat real besides the fact that they indeed had come closer because of their mothers, but they had enjoyed each other’s company nonetheless. _Apparently_ , she was wrong all along

“ _So_ , that’s all that I’ve ever been to you then? Your **_trophy_** _ **wife**_?!” She pouted, tears already pooling in her eyes as her lip quivered

He inwardly chuckled at her choice of words, it was the second time of the night that she had been referred to as such, this time around by her own mouth. Maybe it was true, maybe that was everything that she would ever be to him...

“You might be damn right about that… there’s no such a thing as love in the world that we live in, _stability_? _force of habit_? _a good fuck even_? _Maybe_ , but _**that’s all we get**_ ” He said in an eerily calm and sardonic tone

“Are you serious? I’m gonna be your wife for fucks sake! _You can’t do this to me_!!” She exclaimed, her eyes wide as saucers as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She didn’t expect a fairytale with him, he had after all cheated on his girlfriend with her and a man who does such a thing cannot be an honorable one. _Still_ , a small part inside her had wished that they would come to a neutral ground leading to an easy matrimonial union, _at least_ until certain extent

“Just like I couldn’t do this to _**HER**_?!” He taunted her with the realization of what her selfish actions had caused

“ _ **RANSOM**_!!” She cried “How can you do this to _**ME**_? Aren’t I enough for you??” She knew what she said sounded feeble and borderline pathetic in front of his eyes, but this wasn’t the rational part of her speaking, this was the hurt pride in her. 

“ _ **You will never be her**_ ” He said, as if an automatic reflection of what was truly inside his heart, the painful truth that he just came to realize. A truth that not only ripped right through Isabella’s heart but that also laid the weak foundations of the kind of marital liaisons that they’d share. He let the weight of guilt to be equally shared among the two, for they both had their hands tainted with the ink of betrayal.

No matter how much of a moron he had been with you and no matter what his family or society thought... _You were perfect and he made you leave_. He then tried to convince himself that it wouldn’t have worked out with you, that you would have never been able to escape from the clutches of the monster that came with his family name and how you would have eventually been burned by his own demons. So, he took the easy way out: _to make you hate him_. It took him, _you_ , punching the living lights out of him in order for him to internally recognize it, not that he would ever voice it out loud, just how bad he had screwed this up. 

_Yet, he knew it_

_**Nobody would ever be you** _

He kicked himself for having taken the worst decision of his life. But _there was no going back_. One last glare thrown at Isabella’s way and he could see it in her eyes, how in his inner vicious fight for power he had dragged to the pits of hell yet another person, one whose only sin was to have been born in a narcissistic and classist family like his. 

_**His broken nose would never equal her broken heart...** _

  


You looked outside the small window, the dark clouds outside matching her gloomy and tear-stricken face. You were now miles away from _him_ , from _them_ , yet the aching inside her chest did not seem to dim if only to grow as the distance between you increased.

“Are you okay ma'am?” A fiery red-headed asked you, you weakly nodded sniffling

“ _Yeah_ , I’m sorry to disturb you” You brokenly said, wiping your face with your handkerchief

“It’s okay, you’re not disturbing me at all. A broken heart deserves to be grieved in peace” She poetically said

“That sounds very...”

“ _Sad_?!”

“I was going to say ‘ _poetic_ ’ but yeah, it is sad too...” For the first time since it all began you smiled at the kind stranger’s sweet banter

“Name’s _Natasha_ ” She said extending her hand to you

“ _Jaylynn_ ” You answered shaking her hand “Nice to meet you”

“Likewise” She smiled “Let me guess, Bad breakup?” She quirked up her brows

“What gave me away?” You said letting out a small bitter laugh

“ _Oh_ , _well_ … It was either that or someone died, but the hatred mixed in with the pain there told a whole different story” She calmly said

“ _Yeah_ , I guess that you have a point there--” You wiggled brows with a dejected expression on “ _Cheating boyfriend_ ” You grimaced at the mention of him “ _Ex_ - _fiancée_ actually”

“ _Hmm_.. _Oh_ , don’t I know the feeling?! I’m the face of what they call typical office affair cliché, 5 years together, 2 of them married and he left me for his assistant”

“ _M’sorry_ ”

“ _Oh_ , _don’t be_. It’s been 2 years now. Life only got better afterwards, got a new job, new friends, even a new love interest… It’ll be the same for you, you’ll see”

“Thanks, _stranger_ ” You softly said with a smile that she kindly returned as you two self-indulged in the free alcohol the flight attendant brought you. At the end of flight you had made a new acquaintance with the hopes of becoming a friend. Right before you bid your goodbyes she told you something that left you thinking

“ _You know_ … Want some unrequested advice?” She asked, as you silently nodded your head “He didn’t deserve you so don’t let his words and your past with him dictate your life” She said before going. 

As you made your way through the sea of people, a newfound determination to start anew strangled the doubts left by your sudden broken strings. And as if on cue, the cold air of New York’s restless night hit your skin filling your lungs with hopeful dreams and your baggage in the trunk of one kind and patient man that drove you to the place that you would now call home. At least, _for now_..

  


_He couldn’t take it anymore._

It had barely been a few hours since he last saw her but the engulfing silence that covered every single corner of the apartment was just too much for him. Although she had taken all her belongings and special mementos of their life together, she hadn’t bothered at all to remove _the pictures that were hung in the walls_ , those haunting images of their happy times together once upon time. Her presence still lingered in _the lavender scented candles_ laying in the bathroom counter, _her favorite crispy apples_ perfectly shone in the fruit basket on their kitchen counter, _that one over fluffy pillow_ laid untouched on their couch, just like every other thing in there. 

_Everything had her touch_

There was _not_ a single thing that she hadn’t had a saying on it or that she hadn’t touched. And _every look_ anywhere in the place was a sharp dagger piercing through his heart. _He had hoped for a dream to be his reality_ , that even after such a dark tunnel that there would be light at the end, and that she would be there for him.

But, _he was no fool though._ He knew very well how frustrated she had grown the past few weeks, how unsettled she seemed to be and how distant she felt at his touch but if only she had talked to him he would have understood. He would have done anything for her. Even if she would have just asked him for some time apart, he would have left their apartment without hesitation, if that meant for her to be comfortable while he continued his treatment. 

_**But she didn’t** _

He felt their passion dwindle the moment that he came back injured from his last mission. He still remembered it as if it had been yesterday, how as he laid half dead and half alive in the chopper that brought him back, it was her face the one that he had seen. How when he first opened his eyes, all covered in bandages and his arm tightly wrapped in a cast, _**she had been there**_ holding his hand. How when the doctors told him that he had a long recovery process in front of him and that he wouldn’t be able to go back to work in the field, **_she had_** _ **been**_ there lending him her shoulder to cry on. 

_But he too remembered the pain that **he** gave **her**_

How when his demons came out to play in the middle of the night, he had unconsciously grabbed her throat leaving her without air until she smashed a glass over his head. A _nightmare_ that was only the tip of the iceberg, as his psychiatrist told him. He had explained it to her, that it had been an unwanted reflex projected by his PTSD and she had said that she was okay. But _he could see the fear in her eyes_ each time that he made a sudden move, how _she would flinch and avoid_ his touch. He had felt her _shrink away_ whenever he was in close proximity to her. _The fear_ , caused by an external factor completely out of his control, had clearly overcome any trace of the love that they had had.

_**But even then he had hold a hope** _

The moment that he was honorably discharged from the Army was also the moment when he knew that his life would be completely different. As he tried his best to adapt to life as a civilian again, he too navigated through the complications that it meant for him to deal with the level of posttraumatic stress that he was diagnosed with. 

But as he kept on coming home welcomed by a loving hug and a warm meal on the table, _**he had hope**_. 

As they continued to share their all-consuming passion at night, _**he had hope**_. 

As words of encouragement left her lips and whispers of tender affection filled his ears, _**he had hope**_. 

As their eyes bored into one another’s throughout the excruciating pain that he experienced while in physical therapy, _**he had hope**_. 

As they held hands walking on the park while singing love sonnets to each other, _**he had hope**_.

But as she uncomplicatedly cut their ties off, the deafening silence of their unspoken afflictions was only occupied by the loud echoes of the shattered pieces of his heart.

At that moment, _**he lost hope**_

  


**A** / **N** : Thanks for reading again! _Please_ , don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments below!! **💖** **💖** **💖**

> **_Note_** : Although _this fic **is not** based _on it, If you haven’t watched **_[THANK](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LQGcb5knE)_** _ **YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE**_ yet, then I encourage you to do so. It gives a really good perspective about PTSD in military personnel. (Not sponsored post! **😅** ) I’m trying to do my best to depict PTSD is best way possible but still I am not a health professional so please forgive me for any inaccuracies, yet if you respectfully point them out to me, I’ll gladly take them into consideration!! 

##  **Thank You For The Support! 💖**


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